XXVIII. The Burden of Knowing -

I am still unsure of my position on whether or not it is better to reside with a mindset of peaceful ignorance - unaware of the ugliness that runs rampant on a universal scale, or whether or not it is better to be knowledgeable and aware- willing to be open and to unflinchingly observe the ugliness that no doubt exists.

I lean towards the latter position because it is a challenge…

It was a challenge to watch that graphic film for my political science class - I knew it happened. I always knew what it was, but I never wanted to see it. Yet, I watched it happen multiple times, albeit in the form of acting on a film set.

Mentally exhausted and my eyes witness to the capabilities of human fallacy, I decided to leave my room and walk down one flight of stairs in order to escape.

I had to escape from the movie, and, ironically, find refuge, in reality.


“What’s wrong?”

    I’m traumatized. That film I am watching for my class is tragic…

“You’re really pale.”


You’re a defective container of knowledge. Your lid does not fully close and you are forever filling up with facts, news stories, literature, metaphors, poetry and spoken word, facial expressions and bodily movements that invoke an immeasurable amount of unspoken truths…

It feels wonderful to feel as though your body is supersaturated and yet you feel light as ever. No weight is put on.

The more knowledge you acquire, the more you can gravitate towards anywhere and nowhere, discussing this, or perhaps, just being shy of discussing that - you realize that you have to politically correct and furthermore, that you want to be politically correct because you want structure.

Isn’t it a burden though? Knowing…

Isn’t it a burden when you have to sit mum and watch as those who are close-minded but confident in the belief that they are surrounded by people who either know less or will not confront them, regurgitate “factoids” reported in yesterday’s gossip column from an extremely ideological-ridden paper?

Memorization + Vocal Cords Being Utilized = Regurgitation  ≠  (DOES NOT EQUAL) KNOWLEDGE

It is such a burden to have to sit amongst people who I cannot carry a conversation with.

It is such a burden to have sit there, the only woman (yes, I’m 21, I’m not that girl anymore - who would cry about her hair not looking like everyone else’s) - it such a burden to sit there amongst these males who are my kin no less, and hear complete and utter nonsensical narrow-minded garbage.

I know more than you do.

Yes, yes I do.

A liberal arts education is far more expansive than anything else. You have to learn to be open-minded and not shut down ideas as they flow.

Colleges are ranked for a reason and it’s time you face the music.

There are not only five professions in this world: businessman, physician, lawyer, engineer, and OTHER.

No, absolutely not! How can you not acknowledge all the specializations that exist?

How can you not understand that without historians, scholars in English from every period of time, medical illustrators, and anthropological ethnographers who study a subset of an impoverished people from a place that could be the equivalent of what we describe as hell, our whole world would consist of only our family, our enemies, our friends, and the 10 mile radius that surrounds our place of dwelling?

I know more than you do…

but I hate that I know so much more to the extent that I know not to correct you.

I know so much more that I understand not to confront because I don’t want controversy to arise - I don’t want internal familial conflict.

And so here I stand - or rather sit, because I am a woman who is wearing a dress and it is politically correct that I sit.

I sit, without speaking, hopefully looking pretty, and yet I see myself reflected in their eyes as still being the youngest and only girl.

…maybe my reflection will finally age when I look down at my hands only to find them adorned with mehndi.

Yes - that’s me.

It is such a burden to have to contain my overflowing knowledge bank and yet to utilize it so that conflict is prevented because the narrow-minded will become defensive and not accept anything less than themselves being right and furthermore, me being wrong.

I know more than you do.

Don’t narrow your eyes at me random uncle sir!

I am not making up stuff. I’m a senior and I am applying to post-bacc before applying to medical school. I’m sure you have a smart phone with internet (unlike me), so google “post-baccalaureate”, because it does exist.

I promise I am not making it up uncle.

Please uncle, google it, because then you won’t make a fool out of yourself,

and then some of the burden of knowing can be lessened -